Self-abandonment in relationships is a tricky flag to look for, yet there are always signs; for me, it’s the loss of my imagination.
Hi beautiful, I’m Lumalia, author of Blooming Upside Down, beauty hunter, photographer, and curator of aliveness here at Celebrate Again. This is an essay I wrote about a very personal experience from when I was deep in a moment of self-abandonment in my marriage and relationship, which, from the outside, would seem really healthy. Yet it’s incredible how sneakily these patterns can emerge. I hope you find this essay and reflection helpful. If you do find it helpful, consider supporting more essays by joining the Luminosity Journal or sharing this essay with a friend.
What happens when you say yes while your body is already whispering no?
There are seasons where I lose the thread of my own imagination because I have been too busy being good.
Good wife.
Good mother.
Good business owner.
Good woman.
Good enough to not need too much.
Good enough to keep trying.
Good enough to override my body that has been telling the truth the entire time.
The Cost of Being Good in Relationships
It took me getting triggered to get my imagination back.
“What if we go to the Hump! Film Festival?” (and adult film festival)
Hesitant, knowing it’s been a no every time he’s brought it up.
But this time, something makes me want to know, “Can I do it?”
Mixed with this voice from him that says, “You never want to do what I want to do, we always do what you want to do.”
I let the old reflex win; tend the wound, soothe the room, , become easier to love.
I try for him. Try to be flexible. Try not to “be selfish.” Try not to let my trauma win the award for what to do. Try to hold his inability to do what he wants just for him. Try to be pleasing to him again.
I pull up my phone, put on my good girl smile, and do it to make him believe I’m good to be with.
Sliding at 10:30 p.m., I buy two tickets, add them to the calendar, and set reminders to finish work on time.
He wants to arrive an hour early. I disagree, but keep quiet, again. The anxiety in the room wins.
We find a parking spot two blocks away. Seats barely filled, one near an exit in case it’s overwhelming.
We scrolled through the descriptions. I knew at least three would be too much.
As the clock got closer. My stomach grew heavier. My palms sweaty. My stomach grawling.
I didn’t get to eat dinner because we arrived so early. The venue wouldn’t allow food in.
Reaching into my purse, I found a cough drop.
Maybe the rice syrup will help.
People brought in pizza and fries, beers, and sodas. I ran to the bar and looked at the menu. Everything non-vegan. The fries had gluten. Nothing I could eat.
I went back to my chair. And waited as people filed in. The seating grew thick, nearly full, on opening night.
“Welcome to HUMP!” A woman bellowed from the stage. “We have two very important rules here at HUMP. Does anyone know the first one?”
“NO PHONES!” Someone shouted.
“Let me hear that again.”
Everyone joined in “NO PHONES!”
“NO FUCKING PHONES! Turn it off right now. If you don’t, someone will come up to you and take it during the show. I’m not sure they can do that, but they might. TURN OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONES, PEOPLE!”
Everyone slipped theirs out of their purses and listened.
“Second rule, does anyone know it?” She then commanded.
“Don’t have sex,” someone billowed from a chair next to me.
“DON’T BE AN ASS HOLE! No making fun of someone. If you don’t like it, close your eyes; it will be over in four minutes.” She announced authoritatively.
My stomach dropped. I reminded my inner little girl that we could leave; we were three seconds from the exit.
The first film played. Silly. The second. More intense. The third, I felt my body leaving.
The Trigger Wasn’t the Whole Story
I got up and walked out. Grabbed some water, took a drink. Walked down the hall and noticed a few things.
Went back in, tried to watch again, but this time my brain felt fuzzy. I felt a flooding.
I whispered to him, “I need to go. Call me when you’re done.”
I left, shaking on the verge of tears. I ran to the bathroom. Looked in the mirror and said, “You’re here with me.”
Continue reading inside the Journal.
In the full essay, I follow what happened after I left: the two days it took my body to come down, the return of shingles after ten years, and the deeper question this moment opened in me — how do those of us who sense the world instead of simply see it keep living without abandoning ourselves?
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Explore all the Luminosity Journal Essays. Luminosity Journal is a collection of essays, reflections, and poems exploring intuition, embodiment, relationships, creativity, and the deeper questions of being alive.
Listening To Yourself & Self Trust:
Essays about trusting intuition, emotional awareness, and finding your own voice.
- Lumalia’s memoir Blooming Upside Down: A Memoir of Healing from the Incurable
- When you question everything & how it saved my life
- Feeling Lost in Life
- How to Feel Your Feelings
- How to Control Your Emotions
- Goodbye Good Girl: Healing Your Inner Child
- Self Abandonment in Relationships When Your Body says No Before You Do
The Body & Embodiment
Reflections on reconnecting with the body, feminine embodiment, somatic wisdom, and mind-body wisdom.
- Back Home in My Body Workshop
- How I Cured My Autoimmune Disease and Learned to Cope with Chronic Illness
- Is it a Sin to Explore Your Body? Empowering Female Sexuality
- Self Care: Everything You Were Never Told
- Siren Archetype
- Tree of Life Mythology and Mind Body Connection
- 30 Day Self-Care Challenge
- How to Stop Your Inner Critic
Relationships & Human Connection
Writing about intimacy, connection, and the psychology of relationships.
- The Real Reason you Feel Connected from your Partner
- Pillow Talk Questions From Therapists
- Romantic Things to do for Your Wife
- Fun Date Ideas
- Anniversary Trip Ideas
- How to Write Love Letters
- Healing the Sister Wound & Sisterhood Wound
- Self-Love in Relationships & Why It’s Important
- Self Abandonment in Relationships When Your Body says No Before You Do
- Why We need Other Humans
Philosophy, Beauty & Awakening
- Getting High on Life, Making it Hot Not Heavy
- Learning the art of Everyday Magic
- Ending Generational Trauma – A Poem
- Turning Pain into Power
- From Roses to Mary Magdalene: The Secret of Everyday Awe
- Living Life to the Fullest
- Eye Candy of the Northern Lights in Oregon
- Camellia Flowers & Spiritual Meanings
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